Tuesday, October 14, 2008

i hate those days .. (UPDATED OCT23,08.)

when your at home alone, n' all you do is sit around and think ..
and i came to a fact that, HONESTLY

.. i stilll miss you.

Yeah, its been a couple months now that we broke up.
but, how can i let go of something that made such a big impact on my life?
its crazy how i still get that same butterfly feeling when i see you around.
and i hate it, how we say hi to eachother like weve never been close before.
i just HATE that feeling. I want it to be like how we used to be, how we would just act like we were bestfriends, and play around like silly little kids in love. Yea, you are my first love. And always will be, no matter what. I really am sorry for what i did. Talking to another guy, i know that was my fault. i know i was wrong, and im stupid for doing that, and i know that it proablly hurt you really bad. but .. how could you just up and leave just like that? without even trying to work it out, and you didnt even let me say my side of the story. All you did, was yell at me, made me cry, and didnt even let me talk. you made me feel like i wasn't shit. like i didnt mean anything to you. was all the promises we made lies? i did keep my promises to you. I never did ONCE cheat on you. and if you honestly think that i did, you got it all wrong. he was just a friend, and nothing more at the time. All i can say, is IM SORRY n' that i hope you forgive me, i think everyone deserves a second chance, and i really wish you wouldve gave me that option. but .. can you blame me for doing that? when you were always acting like you dont even care anymore. Giving me ugly bullshit excuses to why you werent able to see me/talk? So it wasn't entirely my fault. The thing was .. i never even liked that guy in the begining. My feelings for you stayed the same. I stilll don't understand, how you could yell at me telling me you love me crying your eyes out, saying how hurt you felt after what i did. and then the next day, say .. i dont care for you anymore? it doesnt make sense to me. I wanna talk to you so bad about how i feel, i wanna telll you how bad i miss you, and how much i still care. But i'm fightin it. cause i just have a big feeling, that you dont feel the same anymore.

Honestly, i don't even know what i want from you? like, i still do want to be with you .. i stilll wana be there for you and everything. But ..is it worth it? Am i really wasting my time thinking about you. HOPING your gona come back. it scares me, because there is another guy that wants me in his life, and i feel bad .. making him wait, telling him im not ready, and what if he decides to move on. Am i wasting that chance to actuallly be with someone who cares for me? I'm scared to move on .. im scared to actuallly fall in love with some other guy, i'm scared to act the same around him as i would act with you, i'm scared to take care of him when he's sick, fool around like little kids, fall asleep in each others arms, yell at him for acting stupid, eat dinners, watch movies, gaze at the stars, give big hugs to, give big wet kisses to, just lie in bed for hours just talking about everything and anything, share secrets with, vent off to when im sad, tell him that he's " amazing", and that i love him. IM SCARED, because it's not you anymore .. it's not the same, and i don't even know if i'm doing the right thing, cause i do really really really really like that guy and he treats me right, but i'm still in love with you.

Theres not one day, that you don't cross my mind. Things come up, and make me think of you. It's silly that im still stuck at the point where im going crazy not being able to love you and be loved back. But what can i do? nothing. One day, i just hope that theres gona be a time in place for us, that we'll go back to how we used to be. But for now .. im gonnna live life the way i should be. Not being sad, not being depressed. Nothing but pure hapiness, cause i do deserve to smile. And i hope that your doin the same to. i hope your not being a bad boy, and that your doing good in school, like i always told you. But yeah. im doing fine, for now this is goodbye, i need to learn to move on. Thanks for everything youve done for me, youve made me stronger person. The whole year we spent together was one of the best years of my life. Goodbye Dennis Acorda Corpuz Jr. <3 take care of yourself and remember your still my first love, first "boyfriend" my first EVERYTHING ^_^ all i know is, eventually .. everything will get better in time.
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