Just a little thought ..

I knew i shouldnt have look backed.. cause when i do. I start to think about you again. but, i know i'm over you. I know because.. when i do look back at our old memories. I'm happy. Verry happy actually. I dont get sad, and start building up with tears. I actually smile and laugh. I look at how we were then, as a life lessson. I lost you, and i learned SO MUCH from that experience. Being with you, honestly, changed me. Changed me into a person who isn't afraid of anything anymore. Someone stronger. You helped me to learn how to not give up, learn how to trust, learn how to always look forward to the better things in life, learn how to love, and most of all learn how to be myself. There's someone new in my life, and im happy with him. If it wasn't for you, i proably never wouldve let myself open up to him. But since i did, i'm happier than ever. That just shows, everyone has that one person in life whos gonna make you, break you, hurt you, love you, into the person that you really are.

damn,

i havent blogged in awhile. and i dont know, i was just in neeeeed of expressing myself on here, since i cant let it out to anyone else, and especially the person i NEED to let it out to .. so here it goes. Lately .. you ain't doin your part. Yeah i know, your not mines yet, so its not like your commited to me or anything.. but, a phonecall during the day just to checkup, and a phonecall at night to say goodnight like you used to.. WOULD be nice. But i aint gona force it. I know that its not that thats bothering me, it's something else. Its that just lately you havent been showing you care about me, the way you say you do. Actions speak louder than words.. annd i wan't you to prove it to me. Prove to me that everyything you say is realtalk. Because now days i don't get that same vibe from you anymore, I STILL FEEL THE SAME WAY AS I DID SINCE DAY ONE. but it just feels as if you don't anymore. Reason why i wont tell you why i feel like this is because.. your proably just not gona wanna work it out with me. " sorrry sorry sorry i dont keep up, i guess were not just work out " is what im gona hear from you, i know that for a fact. THATS NOT WHAT I WANT. I WANT US to work it out, if your saying sorry DO SOMETHING about it yeno. don't just watch us fall apart and let it happen. If you say you want me, do your part better. show me, that you want me, not just by words. I dont wanna waste my time on you. I KNOW your gonna leave soon, six months.. damn. I really dont care what others say, i know for a fact i can wait. I WANT TO WAIT FOR YOU. For some reason .. it just feels like your worth it. But with the way your acting .. HOW can i keep my feelings the same?! All i'm saying right now, is get your mind straight, know what you want, before i end up not knowing what I want anymore.

and everytime,

I find something thats going good for me, something just always has to ruin it and get in the way. I find myself smiling more often now, meeting you made me happier than ever. But i know, soon, your gona be leaving, and deep inside its gona hurt me.
You leaving, scares me .. I seriously just don't know what to do. You say to try and keep my feelings that i have for you the same as it is right now, but thats a promise that i know i would WANT to keep, but IMPOSSIBLE to keep, because we both WILL change over the six months your gona be gone, and how are we supposed to just pick up from where we started.. everythings just unfair. I wanted to get to you know you better, because i do see myself being with you in the longrun. But this is a big challenge for me. I can't go waiting around for you, and i don't want to let you go just yet. Being in this situation really sucks, I don't know what to do .. I dont know what to do .. just keeps replaying over and over and over again in my head. Maybe i'm just thinking to much about it, and being to caught up in my thoughts, and i just need to relax a little. But I just really do hope that eventually everything will work out, and that we can be how we are right now, happy.

I HAVE NO FUCKING TIME.

FOR THIS SHIT, BYE FOREVER. hahaahhahaaaaa
or maybe not, shit idk .. not gonna update for awhile, my life is way to busy for this alreadddddy, seriously.
kbye.

OH AND HAPPY 1MONTH SL21'S! ( chelsy ridge adrian and rachel )
LOVE YOU BITCHES, AND LOVE YOU SUSHI ROLLLLLS lmfao hhahahaaha
This is what I love, and can't stop lovin'.
Get wasted at partys, from 9 till 7 in the morning.
I live for the music, rollin' blunts, feelin' high, gettin' loaded
- or take some pills and go to La La Land.
Spendin' all my money on dope and extreme high price tickets.
But in the end, it's all worth it.
I like to live in my own world. Fuck regular life! Fuck the '9-to-5' job!
I'm totally enjoyin' every moment, every hour, every minute.
Thats what I do at fridays and saturdays. Why should I take life so seriously?
I just want to do, what I like to do! Be far from reality, 'cause I can't stand society!
It's my own world, I just want to hear the music.

I think the whole system fucking sucks.
everybody's working their fucking ass up during the week,
getting totally fucking stressed out - So what's wrong, and what's right?
I live for the weekend. - dj showtek. hahahahahaha! so interesting.
and no i dont live like that. stupids. lmfao!

" YOU LOVE, YOU LOOSE, YOU MOVE ON .."
;( i remember this quote helped us get over our past relationship
and it helped us "move on" to eachother and start a new one.
.. wayyyyyy back then. holy shit.

but now, i gotta use this quote to help MYSELF get over you.

life in the faaaast ass muthafucken lane.

TRY AND CATCH ME, nothings holding me back anymore
i see more oppurtunities out there, im having fun, im living it up.
despite the fact that i still miss you, im doing just fine.

today, was a regular school day, same shit diff. day!
first started off with HSA testing, wasn't that bad, to me it wassss pretty darn easy.
finished my test, and me and jas took pictures on her new DSi.
fuck i wannttttt one, its hella fun!
and then after, it was lunch, talked stories, blah blah blah
my mom brought me food from mcd's, thank god! i was sooo hungry!
third period, char didn't come! stuuuupid.
i was SO BORED, so i fell asleep for the rest of the class
it felt so damnnnn good ;]
and in fourth period, i ACTUALLY DID MY WORK, with some help from will- i - am.
it's cool his name can be mixed up, will- i - am, i- am -will, wil- am - i, am- i -will. but then theres .. i- will - am, and that just doesn't make any sense. hahahaaa.
well gona head to bed early, HSA TESTING AGAIN TOMORROW.
boy .. i can't wait for the weekend, take a break off this stupid test.
ppppppppppaaaaarrrrrrttttttyyyyyyyyyy's! + chelsy comes back tomorrow! :D yay hahaaaa OH N HAPPPY BIRTHDAY CHELS.

" It's like me and you didn't even try, we just said goodbye, we let this love here die. And never looked back, In my mind, I'm still questioning why, Promises turn to lies, Feelings bottled inside. When the truth be told I... I'm still wondering, What if?
What if? What if, we would've worked out I believe we could've worked out If we worked a little harder " - What if -Brutha.

IT'S A LESSON

that i keep learning over, and over again.
sick & tired of it, it doesn't phase me at all anymore
over and done with, thank god.

Nothing more, Nothing less

Lifes going great for me<3
and i'm perfectly fine where i'm at.

chan: " i noticed that eversince .. i see life in a whole new positive way! " hahahaa, damn right.
well heres some pictures from Kandy Karnival/april's birthday!
WHAT A NIGGGGGGGGHT ;]

TRUTH BE TOLD.

I MISS YOU.



I ADMIT I CHEATED, don't know why i did it but i do regret it
nothing that i can do or say can change it, come back ..

my curiosty got the better of me.

im not giving up, never did & never will
we didn't even try one bit to make our relationship work out, we just let everything we had simply fade

9 long months without you, and 1yr and 1month with you down the drain ..
w/without you, beleive me I AM happy im pretty satisfied with life, but i know that it would be a whole lot better with you by my side.

after all this time, i still keep asking myself .. why do i still care for you this much.

.. ew this blog is so fucken emotional, but whatfuckkken ever, im just saying straight up how i feel.

SICK EVERSINCE ..

lucky charms! :O WTF?!?! and i ain't getting any better, seriously.
my nose is all stuffy, my throat is killing me! and i feel so fricken cold to the world, hawwwww! being at home is so not a option for me, i wanna get outa here, i swear if i could drive .. id be gone and never ever be home! i keep telling myself im gona get my permit .. and then go drivers ed, then go for my license, but damn i'm so damn lazy. sad, sad, sad. ONE DAY i will, i know it, i beleive in myself .. hahahahaa, sure .. :P i already know how to drive pretty well, but standard .. a whole nother fucken story .. seriously, i suck! haha i always fricken die out! hm .. i want a job to tryna be more damn independent i need money, to support my habits, and shoppppping! :D

i am fucken badass

like that superhero guy dad thing, in the movie taken ;]
likkkke i don't even know .. watching that movie today, made me and danielle feel so cool! omg so fucken lame, shut up already. hahhaha
but yeah, ANYWHHHHHHHHHHHO!
yeah .. back to ugly reality today, sickening.
got to school LATE as always, i never do go on time.
sat in first period, just staring .. it felt weird to be back there again.
second period .. i don't know, it was boring, talked stories, same with lunch.
third period, walked with char, and we just talked with arlex branden and tracy? idk the erking guy .. haha.
thank god char's in my class, or i think i would just fucken die already :P
fourth, talked with chanelll, and yeah i noticed i did alot of talking today.
afterschool, went to danielle's house, watched movies, ate saimin, usual.
okay, i gotta do my history project .. it's already 11:28pm.
ohhhhhh no, its gona be a long night ;(

last saturday

of spppppring break, was the " off the shit " noli said, hahahahaa!
walked to chas's house, waited for noli to pick us up
then went to pearls to meet up w/char, then lex picked us up
and we went to janeeeen's, it was fucken cooorazeh! in there .. haha
after, we went to the shop .. i don't even remember how we got there .. seriously. lmao!
got inside .. ew it was so hot, and sweaty, and ewwwwwwwww wtf.
so me chas n char and ridge just went outside and stayed in the cars
then mostly everyone else came outside, and we just cruised and stuff.
after, i sobered up, and then it was boring, so then lex took me home.
ew, one more day .. then fucken back to REALITY -_- i hate school.
heres pictures!


.. yesterday woulda shoulda coulda been, 1 year and eight months.
haw, where are you now dayyyyyyyyys ;(

theres this

one guy right .. that i haven't forgotten eversince day one.
the one that i kept in the back of my mind every single day,
the one that i still think about from time to time, and wonder how hes doing now.
out of every single guy i had something with, i still kept you in mind.
its not i miss what we had, its i miss you.

if only if only, is what i keep telling myself.
shit .. if i really did learn from my mistakes, i would be a fucken genious rigggght now!!!! hahaaha.


BLAH BLAH BLAH -_- whatevvvvvva.
anyways, today was allright, spent a night w/crystal :D
she picked me up, went out to eat geinki's, thanks for the treat!
then went to target, talked stories, then dropped me off.
and again, I BLOG TO LATE SO IT ENDS UP ON THE WRONG DATE, ERKING SHIT FUCK FACED BITCH >:|

wasted day

of my spring break, me and chels woke up around 12 almost 1.
attte foood! then just sat in my room for over 4 hours -_- omg!
decided to get ready, then met up with brandy chantyle jas danielle noli geraldine ryan and jeremy at geinki's.
ate :D and talked the shitload of storys! funnny asss shit!
then after, waited around for adrian, but he couldnt go out ;(
so i ended up just going home, so fricken gayyyyy to the world.
but it was nice catchin up with everyone again ;] sober fun, and talks about when we aren't sober! hahahahaa.
RECAP ON THE DAYS I DIDN'T BLOG:
yesterday, i met up with chels at pearls.
then we went to her house, and waited around for plans
sister picked us up, and we went to crestview, cruise around with ridge nd rozzner them.
movie night at ridges house, watched hair extensions.
i was trippppppppin! then got ride from lex home.

the other day, i waited around my house most of the day
adrian picked me up, and we just went drivinn' around everywhere with chels rachel and anthony, yup.

your getttttting out of my mind slowly, im fricken forcing myself!
the shit i keep hearing about you .. just completely changed my feelings towards you.
it makes me sick to my stomach, i tell ya.
i want a guy as SWEET, as his WORDS.
cause lately, i noticed every guy will say what you wanna hear.
sick of the sweettalkin', with nothin to back it up
big dissapointment.

sushi stealer!

yesterday was a good day, sober fun :D well for me and chels, hahahaa!
met up with adrian at pearls, then picked up maria, then picked up rachel.
went to perry park, the police comes by adrians car, " EXCUSE ME WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?! ARE YOU GUYS DRINKING?! "
and our response was " NO SIR, WERE MAKING KANDEE BRACELETS " hahahahahaha so stupid, besides the fact that we had bud in the car .. lol.
then the stupid litttle boys, can i have your number?! EXCUSE ME?! YOUR SO YOUNG! hahaha.
then left there, went to kakaako, rachel seen her hachi! she was goin crazy!
so we were talking to the guys who bought it from her.
talkkked stories, watched rachel adrian and maria get stoned, lightshows, gave out kande's haha idk so weird.
left, cause there were cops again! omg so erking.
went to geinki's.. ate, maria got caught for stealing plates.
SO SHAME TO THE WORLD. so me rachel and chels, left them, and went to the car, the security was looking for us, so we just fucken left.
omg i was so scared, haha.
then after, dropped everyone home, then talked stories with adrian outside my house for awhile.
i wanted to fucken cry, cause my story ;( haw .. i misssssssyou.

blog when i get home, gona watch dollar movies soon, okaybye.

i'm not gona

waste my time anymore.
i don't wanna talk to any guys for now, i just wana stay single, be happy, live life.
cause so far thats been going good for me :D i have more fun now.
i aint the that type of girl whos down for flings, i like being with a guy knowing that our relationship is worth it and it'll last.
i want someone commited, trustworthy, honest, all of the above<3

ANYWAYS, SOLAR SYSTEM FUCKEN FELT LIKE I WAS IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM IN A WHOLE DIFFERENT UNIVERSE! HOLYFUCKEN SHIT. hahahahahaa!
danced danced danced, techno techno techno, lightshows lightshows lightshows, vicks vicks vicks, the whole fucken night.
my nose, back, mouth, shoulders, and legs fucken hurt though ;( hmph.
that was my last rave and my last time yeah.. for awhile.
taking a break off of that lifestyle for now ;]
sober fun sounds goood, for now .. haha!
pictures from lasttttnight!

11:11

i fucken wish wish wish WISHH WISHHHH! my wish comes true.

:D

.. and again i blog so damn late that it doesnt show up on the right date .. yeh whatever.
today i stayed home most of the day, slept in till like 1 or something.
then showered, walked to chasitys house, dropped off money, then me and chas walked to chans.
the stupid bitch wasnt answering our phone calls, so we just went inside her house, and grabbed her money from her mom!
ahhhhomg! tomorrow! im so Xcited! :D but if my mom doesnt let me go .. i gon fucken cry! ;(
after, walked home, then chan came over, then jas
chillled for awhile, then walked back to chans house, kev them came after, hardstyled, then wenttt home.
hm .. im feelin some ice cream right bout now, chan left hers! gona eat her shit! ahah yay! fuckyou bitch!

happy birthday chasity!

mmmhm, well woke up to my damn phone ringinnn'
abby was calling, told me to get ready, and then she came to pick me up
got to pearls, met up with everyyyyone
and then ate at cpk for chas's birthday, ordered some alfredo thing! it was fucken goood! and then after, just walked around and whatever.
then nate picked up me and chas, went to waikele for fucken nonsense!
then to the airport to say bye to caelynnn!
then back to chas's house for a small bbq, then my sister picked me and chan up, then picked up chels, then went whereever.
met up with rocky and roanne them for awhile, and now i'm home.

REAL FUCKEN TALK, I MISS YOU SO FUCKEN MUCH.
i hate the fact you just fucken left me here, like i aint shit ..

<

woke up feelin'

SICK SICK SICK -_- eeewwwwwwoisehfnsokn!
my nose was all stuffed and my throat was dry and my body felt so damn warm!
my room was a fucken mess, didnt feel like cleaning till jas and chels woke up.
so when they diddd, we cleaned my room and then ate some foood.
waited around for awhile, till jas went home
then me and chels got readdddy, walked to the bus stop
i was getting so fucken sad! i was like omg so long time i never caught bus, and then my sister saved us :D
got dropped off to alas, and walked around.
bought a dressss for idk, hahaha nonsense but its cute.
then my sister picked us up again, then she took me home.
WHAT A WASTED DAY OF MY BREAK ;(

opening my eyes

to bigger and better things,
i need to stop dwelling in my past, and look forward to my future
TRYING SO DAMN HARD, to just forget about you
but i have no idea why i wont let myself, you got a hold on me, and i just cant seem to shake you offfff.

stressin' so much now days, and when i need you there the MOST, thats when you decide to leave me hanging..
i just hope this spring break takes a LOAD off my shoulders, and lets me relax, and just have fun for now.

.. trying hard to not let you get to me, but in the back of my mind.
your still the only damn thing i think about.

its a good thing that i think positive about every single problem in my life, if i didnt .. i proably wouldve broken down by now.
damn, im fucken proud of myself for being so strong

sushi lovers

ahah i love chelsy ridge rachel and adrian :D forever and a day
lastnight was crazzzy! went around everywhere! and just yeah! omg! hahahaha.
every 21 of the month were all gona get together and eat "dinner" again and eat our "sushi" hahahaha, wasabi me! lmfao inside jokes*
body fucken hurts right now though, my back is killin me and my legs! ;( thats the suckyy part about it, hmph.

well i'm at chelsys house right now, gona go shower soon, kbye.
OHBTW, after springbreak, cuttttting down on that shit FOREAL.
gotta get a hold of myself, snap back into reality and focus on it
hm but all i can say is .. lifes been good for me, besides vvv THAT.

.. and i'm guessing you want me to forget about you, and all our promises.
i knew that you wouldnt keep your word, i still am
you proably dont even know how hard i keep fallin, for you -_-

you keep gettin my hopes up, and then just leave me off wondering and waiting around. i told you, that i don't wanna be waiting around for nothing.
and sometimes i wonder if everything you ever said to me was true.

and i'm just letting you know now, i dont like my mind being fucked around with
ive had ENOUGH from all the other guys who put me through shit, im seriously tired of being hurt
so please dont tell me thats what your doing with me, if so, tell me and ill just completely leave you alone if thats what you want, cause it sure seems like it.

seriously cut the sweetalking, and tell me straight up what you want